Afterthoughts — What does a woman think?

I have had a rough patch in my life, where I got into an arranged marriage, and had a tough time surviving it, and then after collecting a lot of courage, I decided to quit and get divorced. I have written down the details of it in 2 different blogs which you can read if it interests you. Links to both the blogs are given below for your reference.

1. Yes, I had to Walk Out of My Marriage!! | by Priyanka Malani
2. I just want a fresh start…. “Our ideologies never matched.” | by Priyanka Malani

So after writing about all the pain I had gone through, I sat and analyzed the situation and found some reasons that were responsible for what happened, I will put them down for you to read.

Upbringing —

Girls are educated and becoming independent, but boys are raised the same way, and taken care of by the women of the house. We must educate them to treat women as equals and contribute to the household as equal partners.

With more and more women gaining financial independence, women are not dependent on men to run the household. Somewhere this causes a feeling of insecurity in the men and their dominance is being questioned. I encountered people justifying this as a reason for increasing divorce. But I feel, that if we deny harassment, deny sitting at home, deny wasting our education & knowledge, deny getting into family quarrels & bickering, then what’s the harm? If we choose to go outside and stay updated with what is happening in the world, if we keep our mind occupied with constructive & creative stuff, and if by doing so we support our partner to build a good life for us, then the boys should feel happy and not insecure.

Tara Kaushal in her book “Why men rape” says that men are not doing rape for sexual pleasure, but they do it to show violence, rage, and anger which they have against women and instill fear in women and dominate them.

It’s in our culture and society, the way that we have been brought up. We do not have any right to make any financial or other decisions. We have always been asked to compromise. Our society motivates boys by educating them, boosting them to do anything they like, and also investing in them. In contrast, we have been told that we will get married and go to another house. Hence, we only have to focus on the kitchen and household work and take care of the kids. And hence, we can’t develop our confidence, we don’t have the guts to stand up for ourselves.

Kids are curious at a young age. Sex education didn’t exist till a few years back. So people used to experiment with their friends while playing with the kitchen sets and playing characters of an actual house. I remember one such childhood incident, one of my friends was playing the role of a father and I was playing the role of a mother in our game. During the drama, my friend kissed me and said now we will have kids. Oh boy! We were so stupid. Anyway, one of my aunts saw that drama and pulled me aside and started scolding me and even asked me not to play such games with my friends again. But she didn’t say anything to my male friend, I was stunned. Even at that age, girls had to deal with all the heat.

Premarital counseling —

I wouldn’t have married the first time if I had known or experienced premarital counseling. I advise you to go in with your eyes open or don’t go in at all. The most important thing, that will affect my future relationships, is that I am now clear on what my non-negotiables are.

Standing up —

My major regret is not calling him out. We just let go of little things but those become the big things. Women, because of the way they are raised, have built an idea that when such little bad things happen they either go into denial of it or start blaming themselves for it. The broken windows theory states that visible signs of disorder and misbehavior in an environment encourage further disorder and misbehavior, leading to serious crimes. Hence, we just have to see facts and stand up for ourselves to avoid suffering.

Women have a habit of accepting whatever comes their way as if that is their fate and they cannot change it, hence they don’t even try. One of my cousins got happily married a few years back. Eventually, her husband went into depression and lost his confidence to work and hence stopped earning. My sister didn’t leave that man. She became the man of the house, worked very hard, and made a good life for her family. And that husband of hers, even though his contribution is zero financially, expects his consent to be taken in every decision involving money. He throws enough tantrums around the house. But she never stood up for herself, she has made peace with her situation and accepted his dominating behavior.

“You’re the only one who is going to take care of you, so learn how to stand up for yourself, because no one will.”

Divorce —

It’s not always a solution to every problem, but sometimes it’s the only way left in a woman’s life. Even if the relationship is suffocating for them, women hesitate to take that step. Because society still blames women and respects men over them, women also have a habit of tolerating their tantrums as they feel they won’t be respected in society if they are divorced or are single parents. I hear a lot of rumors that a man will get another wife, no one will question, but it will be difficult for a woman to get a husband. Dude, seriously! I mean another wife who he will get is also a female, so why will it be difficult for divorced women to get another man? But of course, if she needs one.

Society plays a major role in divorce situations. During my courtship period, I didn’t dare to call off the engagement even though I saw a lot of red flags in the guy. I could have avoided a lot of mess and saved lakhs of rupees which my family spent on the marriage and gifts. Because I was more worried about the society that surrounded me. I was more focused on, “What will people say, how will they treat me and my family?” But they still talk, they would have spoken in any case, so why did I bother, seriously?

Let me give one more example of how male-dominated society is and how people still blame women for every damn thing. One of my female friends has got into a love marriage. She had to face a hell of trouble from her in-laws, but her husband didn’t support her. Eventually one day her husband was addicted to a game called “Pub-G”, which a lot of people were addicted to. He stopped communicating with my friend and didn’t pay any attention at home. Left his job abruptly and started with a mobile shop for which he has taken a loan. But he was not successful. My friend tried to talk him out of it but he didn’t understand. Finally, my friend went to seek help from her in-laws for counseling him, her in-laws came back complaining that my friend had failed to take care of their son as he was not like this before marriage.

WTF! Is he a kid that she should have taken care of him? My friend prepared tiffins and even delivered them to earn her livelihood. She even mortgaged her ornaments to pay his debt. She used to cry on phone calls with me almost every day but she didn’t give up, she was not ready for divorce as she had one kid. She wouldn’t dare to hear the taunts and bickering from society if she had taken this step.

So to sum up my discussion —

“Hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar marte hain. Shaadi bhi ek hi baar hoti hai…” Kuch Kuch Hota Hai may have had you swooning, but “real” life rarely imitates “reel” life. Bollywood influences Indians a lot, and hence, I feel that directors and actors are morally responsible for making realistic movies that will help us, women, to stand up for ourselves. This will give us the courage and motivation to deal with these issues fearlessly.

Whatever happened in the past, I left in the past, and now,

“I don’t take shit from anyone, anymore”

Food for Thought —

I saw a video, where the speaker asked, “Is it okay to fight in a relationship, and how often?” She says, yes it is okay to fight but important is what happens after a fight. There is a cycle that couples go through in any relationship i.e. Harmony — Disharmony — Repair. So one must understand and analyze that the fights are not about pity things in day-to-day life but it is about three main principles underneath -

• Power & Control
• Closeness & Care
• Respect & Recognition

We seek these three things in every relationship and if not received, we fight.