I just want a fresh start…
“Our ideologies never matched.”
A mismatch in ideologies cannot be the grounds for courts in India to grant a divorce. However, it is frequently cited as a reason for separation in divorce applications filed under mutual consent.
Divorce in India is a long-drawn affair and quite costly if contested, but even those who mutually agree to part ways must prove they’ve been separated for at least a year before the courts consider their plea. I learnt that a mutual consent divorce can take over a year — six months of mandatory counseling followed by another six months of waiting for any chance of reconciliation.
I wish I had not seen fairy tales and not been so optimistic about “happily ever after”. Things could have been different had I understood the joke about why “the wise never marry” Because if they do, they become otherwise!
I wish someone had counseled me about divorce and the after-effects before I decided to get married.
These were some of the thoughts that were running through my mind when I finally got the courage to file for a divorce:
- How did it happen? Didn’t I see it coming?
- Was I too afraid to talk to my family, that my ex was not committed to the marriage?
- How did I not admit that there was a complete lack of intimacy be it physical, mental, or emotional? These bonds never formed throughout the time that I was married to him.
- Was I not ready to accept the fact that my ex never gave a fair chance to our marriage because some astrologer had predicted, that his marriage would never work out?
- How could I be blind to his selfish behavior, where he used me as a primary applicant, to get a Canadian PR? Once we migrated to Canada, he didn’t see any further use for me in his life.
- Why did I not rebel on seeing my ex-in-laws greedy nature and dowry expectations, which is abnormal for this era? Why was I trying to adjust to their backward thinking behavior?
- Was I too scared of the society I live in? “Log kya kahenge?” How will a divorcee be treated?
- What about the marriage of my two younger siblings? Will they be judged because of my marital status?
- Was I the only person to blame? Did this fail only because of me? Could I have done something different to save my marriage?
There are so many questions that I have been asking myself over the last year since I filed for a divorce, that I lost myself. My purpose in life was lost in this noise.
I lost my identity, self-respect, faith, and confidence because of the man I married. I had lost all my friends and had changed my lifestyle completely to be with this person who never stood up for me!
There is no point overthinking and trying to find solutions to the adverse situations created by the family I was married into.
This marriage did not fail because of me. I was not the failure. “I was not the weak link.”
When filing for a divorce there are issues such as Stree-Dhan, splitting of assets, reallocation of finances & property matters, custody issues (if you have kids), maintenance, and much more. I could have been better prepared and could have taken this decision much faster and much earlier in my marriage, had I known this earlier. I wouldn’t have let the roots grow so deep in my soul and maybe I could have reduced the pain I went through.
The first time I went into the courtroom, I have no words to explain the feelings I had, it finally sunk that it was me applying for a divorce. The court registrar asked me to sign the divorce application drafted by my lawyer. I was shivering and couldn’t sign. But then I saw that the application was already signed by my ex and there seemed to be no hesitation in his signature on every page, reality stuck and I was numbed by it. I gathered all my strength and signed those papers, with tears in my eyes.
My ex had the convenience of attending all court proceedings via video conferencing from Canada as he refused to fly back to India because he was still on a dependant visa and was filing for a divorce with the primary visa holder. I was required to visit the court which was an 11-hour train journey, in person, multiple times, even though we were under a lockdown situation due to COVID-19.
I found out the hard way that there is no privacy in the courts in India and all your personal matters are made public when Judge asks you to answer questions in front of the whole courtroom. The whole process and environment is very depressing as everywhere you see, there are couples who have filed for divorce and not all of them are with mutual consent. You see people from all strata of the society from really poor to the really rich, wearing the same depressed look because their marriage is not working.
What should have been completed in one court visit, took four because someone did not take the responsibility of completing the paperwork and sending it for filling from Canada. Anyways, I managed to hold my nerve through all this, and the final hearing was scheduled.
“I didn’t want his money nor his house” nor did I want to be reimbursed what my parents had spent on our marriage and all other expenses after marriage, be it household, traveling, entertainment, migration, etc….”
Stree-Dhan is not a part of any settlement agreement. It belongs to the woman irrespective of the circumstances. I gave that up as well, else these greedy people wouldn’t have freed me for life.
The divorce proceedings had taken over 15 months and I wanted it to end…
I just wanted a fresh start!
Afterthoughts -
“We live in constant fear of the future or continuous regret of the past.” It is time that we let go and start enjoying the present.
