Yes, I had to Walk Out of My Marriage!!

I am often blamed and criticized for not being able to make my marriage work. I can see that in their eyes. I do not want sympathy from anyone and I don’t blame anyone for the situation I am in today. I even made peace with God, the supreme power, for putting me in this situation, to begin with.

But the truth is, marriages may not last these days because women are refusing to accept deceit if the agreement was to be monogamous. We refuse to be abused and to tolerate domestic violence. Of course, these situations are extreme, but we also refuse to stay in a marriage for the simple reason of not being happy. I don’t believe that I am making unnecessary demands when I ask to be heard, respected, and loved in the relationship.

Let’s talk about sex. Yes, sex is as important to us as it is to a man. A woman’s desire exists, even though we pretend it doesn’t. I remember hating myself for a long time, because of my desire to have sex with the one I love, the man I married. I refuse to be a passive player anymore or be shamed for my desires.

My marriage didn’t work because I am desperate no more, helpless no more, tolerant of abuse no more, and can fake no more.

I am a human and not a doormat.

Although I have bad days where I wake up crying and cannot cope with the pain in my heart, I remind myself that the pain is temporary, and though I feel devastated at the moment, I know that it will pass. But, life is better now, because I can do whatever I want and be whoever I want to be.

I have explored the benefits of therapy and antidepressants. My family is my greatest source of strength. My mom often worries for me and I respect her for that. I know at the core of her worry, lies fear and concern. She’s worried about how people will perceive a divorcee, will I get the respect I deserve especially in the conservative society I live in, what about my life ahead (motherhood). I agree with her. I too feel that I should experience motherhood. A baby of my own, I am sure I would make a good mother, be it single or otherwise. This urge becomes stronger when I have a fun time with my niece & three nephews as of now and they let me experience Moments of Aww....

Not to mention my brother, sister, close relatives, and friends have helped me immensely to get a hold of myself. They heard me patiently and gave me the strength and courage to fight it out. Their trust in me is the most important thing which helped me come out of this blunder called “Breakup After Marriage”.

But I also know that if I don’t talk about it, I will continue to feel a sense of shame that is not mine to carry. I will feel ugly for something that I didn’t do. I am proud that I am single again and was able to walk out of a loveless and abusive relationship.

Still, sometimes I feel alone, and that’s absolutely okay. I’m focused on making myself stronger, I’m working towards my career and mental health to heal the wounds that cannot be seen, but can only be felt. I wish to make myself strong enough that if I have to pack up, move to a new city and start all over again, I will be fine.

I truly believe that a hopeful future and beautiful life awaits me. God and I are patient to watch it unfold.

As they say, whatever happens, happens for the best and I have now started to believe it.

Yours truly,

PM